Johanna Johan Adam Chin Yu Fen

Lonesome School Days

2010-01-29T13:34:00.000+08:00

The play is over.... and dance continues on in full swing.

this sem, it seems like i'm trying to find my balance again. i found a nice equilibrium last sem. balancing school, dance, friends and family is no small task. but this sem, i just cant seem to get the hang of it.

but at least i'm enjoying myself.

to a point.

at long last

2010-01-05T23:28:00.000+08:00

know why i havent been posting in awhile? cos i'm

bored scared tired stressed sleepy upset happy busy procrastinating hiding running meeting eating living dreaming believing

too many things. too much to do. or sometimes, i just dont have enough strength to get out of bed. i am not sad. i am not depressed. i am just stuck.

2009-11-09T12:57:00.000+08:00

i got my flow back. maybe not all back. but it's coming back. site is up again :D

now i just have to finish that story i have been meaning to finish. maybe start short stories from now on. they are so much easier... this is so exciting! :D

i need to get my mugger on now. need to get into that groove :)

go jo!

PS: got a new phone! tee hee!

Happy-Sad-Happy Day

2009-11-07T00:28:00.000+08:00

Wilt thou be gone? it is not yet near day:
It was the nightingale, and not the lark,
That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear;
Nightly she sings on yon pomegranate-tree:
Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.

--

woke up this morning like i always do. actually woke up feeling refreshed and awake. it was an early morning miracle. and i already knew what i was going to wear! -gasp- i didnt have to search for an outfit for 15 minutes! -gasp-

--

It was the lark, the herald of the morn,
No nightingale: look, love, what envious streaks
Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east:
Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day
Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.
I must be gone and live, or stay and die.

--

a certain person wasn't feeling really well today. as we all are sure to experience, more than once in our dreadful lives. and so my plans were changed. for the better i would say. so much more fun. so much more laughter.

laughter is always the best medicine. that and good company, good food and a killer pair of shoes.

--

and then came EML's show: Project Live.

It was a complete blast! very fun. but if only there were more enthu people there who would... i dont know... enjoy themselves a bit more? music is something you have to feel in your very soul. something to move you from deep inside. but if you shut off, how is the music ever going to fill your soul?

--

Let me be ta'en, let me be put to death;
I am content, so thou wilt have it so.
I'll say yon grey is not the morning's eye,
'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia's brow;
Nor that is not the lark, whose notes do beat
The vaulty heaven so high above our heads:
I have more care to stay than will to go:
Come, death, and welcome! Juliet wills it so.
How is't, my soul? let's talk; it is not day.

--

my thoughts seem to be relationship centered lately. the types, the stereotypes and my deep and utter dependency on them. without them i would be lost. and i would give in to the myriad of wants, desires and insatiable needs my hyde demands.

so stay, dear friends. though the sun has arisen and the Reaper is a-calling. stay with me. dont leave me here to fend for myself. i dont think i'm capable. at least not yet.

--

let's talk. it is not yet day.

If we get lost, I'll be good with that

2009-11-05T10:44:00.000+08:00

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

--

Last week was a crazy long week. Tons of stuff to do. Something on almost every night. And family stuff to deal with. It's weeks like these when getting out of bad gets that much harder.

Sometimes, the rush is exhilarating. Knowing you have responsibilities to fulfill. Things to do for work you love. It's the endless stream of jobs and work and play and meetings and calls that makes you feel that somehow, you have a goal. That you matter in this huge world. You're contributing. It's the 'Look at me, I am here!' complex. I think therefore I am. I do therefore I exist.

--

CFA awards on saturday. Had an exco meeting before that. It was tiring, and painful, and fun and long. And the event itself was something.

--

Don't need directions
Don't need a map
If we get lost I'll be good with that
Yeah, we'll find a way to make the time pass
Windows rolled down with the heat on high
Stars all aligned in a runaway sky
Holding my hand as the miles roll by
Long gone baby

--

RP show on sunday. wasnt much to shout about. was too worried about tests and stuff to actually enjoy myself.

--

Now I just want to get away. Out of this town. Out of this place. Where my dreams are, and where everything I do, I do out of love.

--

Pansies let my flowers be:
On the living grave I bear,
Scatter them without a tear,
Let no friend, however dear,
Waste one hope, one fear for me.

Hammie the Study Croc

2009-10-26T17:43:00.000+08:00

Presenting to you the newest member of the family. Hamster 'Hammie' the Study Croc!

I adopted (bought) him at the Forum bazaar and will now be the mascot for any and all mugging sessions.

Hammie is an Indian Crocodile. He has a large belly and enlarged feet due to a gout problem. Hammie used to gorge himself on the meat and flesh of unsuspecting people who lazed around and wasted their time not studying. Due to his gout, Hammie has cut back on human-consumption and is now mostly vegetarian, and enjoys a good glass of milk now and again.

However, Hammie has been known to give in to temptation once in awhile and chows down on delicious non-muggers, when he can find them.

Hammie once broke his snout in a fight, and now has a slightly crooked snout that lends to his roguish charm.

--

Here, Hammie is part of the happy family :)

he will be introduced to the rest of the family later :)

Crazy Cool Weekend

2009-10-26T10:38:00.000+08:00

Friday did not start out very good. But it ended pretty well :)

had lunch with Prong. talked abt stuff (after at least a month of not talking/meeting/catching up). but no matter how long it has been, we still fall into the same rhythm of things. it's nice to know some things always stay the same.

what we need now is to sit down and have a good long rest together. and with Yuen. and Cheryl. it has been too long.

--

and then came saturday. funny thing was, it didnt feel like a saturday. it felt like a normal school (hectic mad lazy crazy boring) day. i had to go to school for a photoshoot and zakzak had a big meeting.

both of us were having a bad day. so what did we do? we treated ourselves to sushi.

so this is her happy expression during/after sushi session.

Be patient my young Padawan. The roe will come to you.

we crack each other up. seriously. one day we will go crazy. together, most probably. we'll probably share a room in IMH.

--

now a Test! great....

2009-10-22T12:57:00.000+08:00

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed, into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

--

Illusion never changed, into something real. Story of my freakin life.

I'm extraordinarily melancholy today. must be because I'm extraordinarily tired and fed up of juggling everything.

--

I just wanna go home.

2009-10-19T14:32:00.000+08:00

But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it

All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone

oh crap. everything at once.

i have enough to deal with without having to pander to other people's moods.

i have my own life to deal with.

and this was supposed to be fun.

this used to be a fun house

but now it's full of evil clowns

it's time to start the countdown

i'm gonna burn it down

My 12 hours at Starbucks

2009-10-18T22:07:00.000+08:00

today started out slow and steady. like a tortoise.

woke up with the drastic need to study, seeing as there will be a test on monday. mathematical thinking.

so i got to starbucks, bought my coffee and some breakfast and got cracking.

and then people showed up, and suddenly everything seemed a little better :) eventhough i was technically still behind on work.

Well, it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
'Cause here, here we are, here we are

zakiah and my 'i love shopping' t shirt :)

my fellow northern-er :) and study buddy

we really do love each other... :)

we are tired people...

it's because of friends like these that i am still sane

and these people too... representatives from ilsa and the mat-keteers

this is what happens when you're happy

Here we are, here we are
Here we are, here we are
Here we are, here we are
Here we are, we're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh, the wait was so worth it

words

2009-10-17T20:13:00.001+08:00

--

this song encompasses everything i believe in.

words hurt. and words heal. words make me angry, sad, happy, jealous, depressed, elated, crazy, upset, wild.

--

sometimes, words are just never enough.

--

and sometimes, words are just too much.

--

when words are not needed. that is perfection.

2009-10-16T00:14:00.000+08:00

Good night? ah! no; the hour is ill
Which severs those it should unite;
Let us remain together still,
Then it will be a good night.

How can I call the lone night good,
Though thy sweet wishes wing its flight?
Be it not said, thought, understood,
Then it will be a good night.

To hearts which near each other move
From evening close to morning light,
The night is good; because, my love,
They never say good night.

-Shelley

--

I was flipping through my small book of love poems when I found this one.

it struck me in its apparent simplicity and beauty. simple words and simple rhymes.

--

it is rare when i do not welcome the night. i like the night. but sometimes the night is just a little too lonely. and i get a little too melancholy. at night, my thoughts run wild and my heart fears the emptiness that is out there. and yet, this emptiness is the same in the day. it is there, except we are blinded by the light. because we can see, everything is fine. because we lack the vision, we spiral downwards.

--

i shall stop emoing now.

2009-10-04T21:06:00.000+08:00

"Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God.
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole,
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The mind's the standard of the man."

Isaac Watts

--

I've been watching national geographic videos recently, and there are certain stories about people and the struggles they have to deal with because they are different. the poem above was often quoted by a man named Joseph Merrick. he had a congenital disorder and is more commonly referred to as the 'Elephant Man'.

I think it shows how caught up we have become in appearances and vanity. even I have to admit that appearance is important, and first impressions are almost always what sticks with you, but I also think that we have to move beyond this.

--

I would be measured by the soul,
the mind's the standard of the man.

--

it's our words and our actions that define us. I don't even think it is what we think that defines us, it is what we choose to act on by our own free will. heaven knows I have plenty of crazy and mean thoughts running through my head at all times of the day. but I choose to believe that it is the actions I take, and the words I choose to say that define me. I am no saint. I have plenty of impure thoughts and hurtful whisperings in my brain. but I don't act on these things, and guilt and a conscience are the main factors that stop me.

--

but of course, emotions play a part too. if friends are involved, especially friends I love and cherish above all else, my thoughts change. even in my head, my friends are beautiful and gorgeous. and the more I love you, the more you can do no wrong. even in my head. emotions play a part too.

--

Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.

2009-10-03T00:41:00.000+08:00

today was a good day :)

--

started out ok... went into the red for a little while... then it got a whole lot better.

went shopping. had starbucks. had a blast with friends. discovered that i got accepted for initial stages of student exchange to COPENHAGEN! went out for supper with the girls. stayed out late to eat durians.

it was a good day.

--

such a weird thing. i am in arts fac most of the time, and i've discovered some really good friends this sem. and become closer to the ones i already have.

These are the girls. The girls that have brightened up my dreary days. we sat under a random block at clementi and ate durians. chatted and bonded. i wish we could do stuff like this more often.

this one picture shall represent all the boys, cos i dont have a picture of them. friends i have come to appreciate in my new sem. the more the merrier right?

--

suddenly school doesnt seem so hard anymore.

2009-10-01T21:23:00.000+08:00

i am going SHOPPING tomorrow.

--

just try and stop me people. no stopping me now. i'm prob not buying clothes. nope. shoes. shoes and bags. always makes me feel better. maybe i'll stop by armani exchange. or national geographic. get me a cool, expensive bag. or aldo. or mango.

spending money is usually not the answer... but if it makes me feel pretty and oh-so-happy, how can you blame me?

--

have 2 classes tomorrow. had my final test today. barely survived the one tutorial i had after the test. but here i am. alive. if not exactly well.

i have been surviving on coffee and red bull. and mugging partners. i find it eases the mugging burden a whole lot. esp when they talk crap to you and entertain each other. or gossip. gossip works too.

--

tell me why

2009-09-30T14:15:00.000+08:00

oh for all that is shiny and new.....

--

i have never really 'got' the IT bag deal. all those 'high-fashion', 'high-end' bags that never seem to be all that pretty. i'm a picky girl, and i hate loud prints, and patent material and crazy metallic buckles and stuff like that... until i saw this....

the new Fendi Peekaboo satchel in red leather with their classic zucca lining. so many ways to wear it. and it comes in red. whats not to love? i am sorely tempted to get the bag... consequences be damned. i can diet for a year.

and then there's this one....

The LV monogram double jeu Néo-Alma. no idea how to pronounce it, but it calls to me. two bags in one. and it comes in PURPLE too!

i'm already planning. maybe i'll get one for my 21st birthday... as a treat to myself for surviving 21 years on this planet. and if i DO get it... it will be the ultimate therapy. when i'm depressed or sad, i'll just have to look at my gorgeous fendi peekaboo and all will be bright and cheery again...

and WHEN i get it... i WILL bring it to school. a bag like that needs to be shown off. comments and gossip be damned. and if anyone so much as BREATHES on it... they will suffer a painful and horrific death.

--

how long till July 25th?

2009-09-04T16:57:00.002+08:00

yuen has gone. flown away. and i wont be seeing her for at least a year.

who am i supposed to sms when random things strike me? who's going to call me when i'm feeling down. the year we spent apart changed us. admitedly, her, more than me. she's in a new environment. with new people. it stands to reason that she would change more than i have.

but it doesnt change much. we're still best friends. and she's still one of the few people who have an open invitation to the rest of my life.

i will miss her.

school and school related activities are bringing me down. even when i have time to study, my mind is constantly caught up with the many projects i have, and i keep thinking about all the things i have to do.

cant stand it.

2009-08-28T09:36:00.002+08:00

i got food poisoning.

No joke. i seriously got food poisoning after eating at megabites. I ate the Wakadori pasta. i am now traumatised and i dont think i can ever look at megabites the same way again. tis is sad... very sad...

i was out for the most of wednesday. and i still felt bad on thursday but still went to school. had a gen physio lecture and gek tutorial i couldnt miss. puked halfway through history lecture. i could feel the powers-that-be bubbling in my tummy throughout the lecture. and i figured about 3/4 way through that enough was enough and headed to the toilet to prepare for the worst. waited there till i actually puked. not a good experience. felt like a bulimic actually. but i felt better after that.

i bet you guys didnt want to hear that right? sorry... i should label this post: Adventures of the Puking Non-Bulimic

on another note, i miss you cheryl lim :( who am i supposed to go flea marketing with (there's another one on 29th but i'm NOT going). who am i supposed to sit and talk hours with about random stuff like boys and their idiocy and the socio-cultural gap of asians and westerners? i hope you're doing ok over there.

what should i eat tonight? i have to go buy dinner by myself. i was thinking porridge (my stomach still does not agree with me too much). and then i'll sit my butt down in front of the com and watch House all night. sounds like a plan.

and Casey, when you go, can you come and find me? wanna be beside you when you leave this town. I'll be waving goodbye, pretending not to cry. I wanna be someone. If you take me away, all this pain will change into a memory. When we were amazing.

2009-08-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

-giggle giggle-

met the cute guy from #11-90 again. he was wearing glasses this time. nerdy cute.

le sigh.

it's amazing how one innocent little chat can get you grinning. this doesn't mean anything, but you gotta give a girl a chance to grin her head off. :)

--

shopping trip tomorrow! yeepee! :D

2009-08-20T19:59:00.000+08:00

ok.... so i've been thinking (always a bad sign).

about a lot of stuff actually. friendship. distances. relationships. happiness. best friends. friends. leaving. crazy school. studies.

and you know what? i think i have it all under control, for now. i'm happy. most of the time. i'm studying. and i'm meeting my friends more than ever nowadays. i was listening to darren hayes and this line jumped out at me:

cut me down to size and paralyze me with the contents of your pretty little head

it's from the song 'sing to me' from darren's latest album, "This Delicate Thing We've Made". and i think the line perfectly sums up what friends are there for. best friends. good friends.

to cut me down to size when i get to big. to bring me down back to earth gently, and with all the love and good intention in your heart.

and to sit and talk and share, and not judge. and be happy. and be merry. and to love unconditionally. to paralyze me with the contents of your pretty little head.

i think tuesday was the turning point. i met with the people who are important to me in my life. and i am happy.

such a rare thing happiness. and fleeting.

2009-08-18T23:09:00.000+08:00

today, i felt like the quintessential liberal arts student.

sitting in starbucks. latte and bagel in front of me. laptop turned on and ready. a sophisticated looking article in my lap. music blaring from my ipod.

yes. for one day, i was an arts student.

i am so proud of myself.

2009-08-17T14:30:00.002+08:00

another week of school.

first day, and here i am in the library mugging/surfing. and wonder of all wonders, i'm actually doing work! -gasp shock faint-

in case you didnt know, today is a MONDAY. on the second week of school. i had a lecture from 8-10am (which wasnt half bad) and i have till 6PM to burn.

6PM.

no joke. so i'm chillin in the lib. doing history, cos the readings are actually palatable. if i have to go near my gen physio or cell bio notes i shall throw up. but i AM still studying. i am wearing my mugger image with pride y'all.

this is my week plan:

Tuesday - classes end at 12pm. Study at either LIBRARY or STARBUCKS (vivo). Still undecided. then dinner with the girls! gossip time!

Wednesday - NO CLASS! woohoo! maybe a MOVIE? prob study at LIBRARY or CFA or STARBUCKS. then dance.

Thursday - long day of classes. praying for strength and for red bull to rain from the sky. study? nahhhhh....

Friday - Classes.... then SUPPER with cheryl and the girls??

yay! busy week. i am taking the oppurtunity to eat everything i like before fasting starts this saturday.

4 days and counting.

2009-08-14T21:25:00.000+08:00

the first week of school is officially over! now i shall endeavor to explain just how good/bad my life is now.

statistics: cute (in the funny, quirky kind of way) scottish lecturer who has a damn clear way of explaining things. i am eternally grateful to him. and it's only been two lectures. will NOT fall asleep during his lectures even if they are 8am ones.

cell biology: lecture from hell. half the lecture lights are turned off. lecturer is an old dude who talks slowly and sometimes seems to be in his own world. very very very dry. and i thought this mod wld be good. boy was i ever wrong.

mathematical thinking: not much math! so much cheem philo talk! at least for now. it was so not what i had expected it to be. the lecturer is this chinese guy with a heavy cantonese accent (cue Russell Peters jokes) and cute mannerisms. i think i shall really enjoy this class. made a new friend named Farhana.

general physiology: crap crap crap crap crap. mod filled with year ones. nothing wrong with that. the content is whats wrong. plants and chemical equations. and a lecturer who gives my cell bio one a run for his money. nice woman, just really dry and monotonous. and draggy. crap crap crap crap crap.

from the wheel to the web: history module. even more like philo! reminds me a lot of history lessons in IP with brian ang. and MI. with... mr yip? cant really remember. funny lecturer who talks really fast and has a quirky sense of humor. sat with malays. gasp! shock! seriously. malays are like a rare breed in science. i like this mod. this one will be fun.

---

so that was classes. had welcome tea on wednesday. shall NOT elaborate on that.

met up with cheryl today. a perfect ending to a not very good week. we planned to meet at vivo and maybe watch a movie. but we ended up spending hours sitting on a bench just talking and gossiping. it was like back in JC. except now we're older, more put together and have gone down our own paths now. but she reminded me that i have true friends out there.

big part of our conversation was about guys. and our not understanding them. ahem ahem ahem... no name guy needs a name, cheryl.

then we went shopping. didnt find anything i liked, which was a bummer.

now i'm adamant to enjoy my weekend. before monday comes and everything starts all over again.

--

merry go round.

2009-08-11T21:43:00.000+08:00

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

Christina Rossetti

2009-08-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

things are a lot harder than they were in JC. it's been a year, and i cant seem to get over this one small fact.

in JC i had my best friends beside me. now they're half a country and an ocean away. and people change. my best friends will forever remain my best friends and i will forever love them unconditionally. but it still doesnt change the fact that people change.

in JC there was less control. less responsibility. less drama, less politics. now there's more of everything. and it bears down on your shoulders like a ton of bricks. and i am incapable of letting things be. i'll feel tremendously guilty and inadequate if i do.

and i seem to be failing a lot more when i'm here. failing in the sense of what i aim to achieve. it hurts and it doesnt seem to stop hurting.

and now all i want to do is curl up at home and breathe.

2009-07-10T21:28:00.002+08:00

i find that, nowadays, thinking just gets a lot harder. and a lot more painful.

once i start thinking, all these problems, responsibilities, failures, pressures and hollowness start invading. not a very good kind of invasion. is there a good kind? ok, don't answer that. and to counter this, i fill up all my spare time with meaning-less things. things with generally less meaning and importance that my problems.

like that catchy song on my ipod. or that video. or that game! or what should i wear for the outing? things like that. i guess that makes me shallow. somehow, i can't bring myself to care. caring takes too much energy.

on another note, i think i'm gonna get another cat. maybe it will fill the voids in my life.

on second thought, i'm going to need a lot more cats.

2009-07-02T00:37:00.002+08:00

there are just some people who seem to live to make my life harder. and a whole lot bumpier. nothing is ever perfect, i know. but can't one hope for a little break now and again? it's like seeing a pristine sea and gently flowing, perfectly synchronised waves.... and suddenly being disturbed by a huge floating log. it just doesn't mesh with the entire flow of things. and it makes navigating the waters a whole lot more dangerous.

okay, moving on from emo news. it is currently 1am on a wednesday night/thursday morning. i came home at 12.20+am and am thoroughly beat. the performance was delayed and the travel home from that godforsaken place was not easy.

but my mind cant seem to decide to rest or react. i have lots on my mind. and i shall no longer procrastinate and do my work. but at the same time, i feel like sleeping and never waking up. okay, i want to wake up. but not for a long while. maybe a day or two?

and then my mind goes back to the performance. i'm sitting here with a million bobby pins in my hair. hairspray laden hair. (and i'm not even in baltimore) and my face is cakey with makeup. i will have a breakout soon. it has been fated.

and i wonder about the tarot cards. yuen, do you still have them? prong was asking after them a while back.

and i think i should go wash the gunk off now. before it stays on forever. actually, that would be kinda cool. i'll never have to do hair and makeup for dance ever again. yeaaaaah..... NO.

my hair screams as it is subjected to another round of relentless torture. ah, the life of a dancer.

2009-06-18T22:37:00.003+08:00

So basically today was outing day with.... Cheryl and Prong!

Cheryl has been away in Charleston, so I havent seen her in awhile. But prong is in singapore and I havent seen her either! busy busy...

so I met these two beautiful women at orchard with no plan in mind. it was so good seeing cheryl after so long. it was a great catching up session. we talked, and walked (a lot) and shopped (some). GSS is crazy, and the fact that it's currently a school holiday didnt help. a lot of people milling about. not very fun.

during the course of the discussions, i realized something. you never really know how different a culture is from yours until you get thrown right smack dab in the middle of it. the things cheryl told us about her life in america (so far) is eye-opening to say the least. slangs are different. accents are important. and it seems guys are jerks everywhere else in the world. there is no hope for girls like me.

BUT there is hope for fashion! ok, what I will attempt to explain after this is the story of my skirt. Pay attention now...

Once upon a time, I went shopping at Salvation Army. I found this really nice long, figure-hugging, floor length skirt. A "look like Guess but actually I dont think its Guess" skirt. I bought it. At home, I realized that I needed a plain Tshirt and heels to go with the skirt. I had heels (painful ones) and no plain Tshirt. So into the closet it went, not to be heard from in months. And then I got my croc high heels. And then I got the top from Cotton On. Presto! An outfit.

Long story short, I finally got to wear the skirt out because I bought other items to match with it.... sighs...

2009-06-10T23:29:00.002+08:00

the BIG MOVE has been completed.

we were supposed to move yesterday. but there was a problem with the movers. so we moved on the last day... wednesday... today. as of tonight, the apartment at 690F no longer belongs to my family.

it was incredibly sad. it had been the longest i had ever stayed in a house without moving. 6 years.

now what am i supposed to do?

2009-06-04T14:54:00.002+08:00

I don't know about you, but yesterday was a kind of day I'd call.... smooth. Everything seemed to flow into place. I spent the morning/afternoon lazing around, doing some work, cleaning up the house. And then dance in the evening. It was nice to have a session where we didn't need to fret about a performance. It was just plaing practicing. And I must say that I learnt quite a bit.

And then at night, I managed to pseudo-emo and relax my way through an impromptu journey around singapore.

It's been awhile since I felt really relaxed and totally zen-like. A long while. It always seems that I have work to do, responsibilities to attend to. And even when I shirk these things, the weight of the work still falls heavily on my shoulders. And I suspect that shirking work makes the load even heavier. There used to be a time, in secondary school I believe, when everything seemed to flow too. Just one thing after another. Excitement? Yes. Stress? Not so much. Now everything I do seems to need more effort than it should. Like I have to push myself to achieve the same level of success I have strived towards since I was young.

Everything is just a lot harder these days.

2009-06-03T11:14:00.002+08:00

I know I haven't been posting or updating lately. Mostly because I've been lazy, and also because I'm tired out of my mind. My days are currently filled with dance, meetings and the tedious task of moving house. I've packed most of my shit (and I have a LOT of shit) but there's still some more to go. on top of that, I'm worrying about what my new room will be like. I have total freedom to do what I want, but I'm not really sure as to the feel as yet.....

In other, happier news, I just bought a pair of Levis jeans (my first) and crocs shoes. I'm totally lovin it. Went shopping with my mom and sisters for lights yesterday, and ended up buying jeans and shoes. Ha!

In dance related news, practices are picking up and I've already done two performances since exams ended. I think I'm going to have to dance for every performance that comes along, which is fun. But seriously? My poor hair! I just rebonded it and made it all nice and smooth with treatment, and I abuse it with hairspray! It's criminal I tell ya!

Ok... nothing much to add. Will update when bored again....

2009-04-15T21:40:00.002+08:00

I went for a jog and saw a bat! up close and personal. it was flapping its wings happily in a tree in front of me, looking for fruits i believe. it was nice.

now it is crunch time. i finished two tests today, and the next one is a FINAL exam. two more days of school then the recess week. one week of pure mugging. i think i can do it. i think i can.

at least i'm not so busy with dance anymore.... guess what i'm doing now? watching a documentary on jellyfish. amazing creatures. amazingly scary. look at this!

'Nomura's Jellyfish (エチゼンクラゲ echizen kurage?, Nemopilema nomurai) is a very large Japanese jellyfish. It is in the same size class as the lion's mane jellyfish, the largest cnidarian in the world. The width of these jellyfish are slightly larger than the height of most full grown men. [1]
Growing up to 2 meters (6 feet 7 inches) in diameter and weighing up to 220 kilograms (ca. 450 pounds), Nomura's Jellyfish reside primarily in the waters between China and Japan, primarily centralized in the Yellow Sea and East China Sea .'

and it's like a hydra! if you try and kill it, it releases MILLIONS of eggs and stuff and it matures asexually.... so you kill one... you make THOUSANDS!

and this!

'Irukandji syndrome is a condition induced by envenomization through the sting of Carukia barnesi, the Irukandji jellyfish, and other cubozoans.[1] It is seldom fatal, but is nevertheless one of the most painful experiences a human can endure. The condition was given its name in 1952 by Hugo Flecker, after the Aboriginal Irukandji people who live in Palm Cove, north of Cairns, where stings are common.[2]'

oh my... yuen... you may like this. dont die ok? sounds scary. scary... but beautiful... ok... now i'm hooked...

AND if you guys are NOT on Twitter yet... get on it :) then we can Twitt :)

2009-04-05T15:43:00.001+08:00

oh holy bloody hell... bloody bloody hell....

i just... just... need to get my head out of my ass. and i need something else, but i've been pretty hopeless in that particular area.... oh bloody hell..

i think i shall retire now. retire from being a student. i wonder if i'll get any pension?

2009-03-31T10:49:00.002+08:00

Oh no oh no oh no...... Seriously? Why must school be so hard and why in all things sacred do I need to do things I do not like? Why why why??!!!! Life would be good now, if I could just give up on biochem.

2009-03-15T15:36:00.002+08:00

i am fully aware that sometimes (or most of the time), i am one screwed up, confused little girl. i usually have no clue what i'm doing, and even lesser confidence in the fact that whatever choices i happen to make are the RIGHT ones. so... i'm usually confused and lost. but sometimes i get moments of clarity, when i abruptly realize why the hell i do what i do, and why i keep on doing it. these moments of clarity may or may not fall on rainy, dreary days, when it's late in the afternoon and i'm all alone in the room i call my home.

my priorities. i may not seem to get them right all the time, but right at this moment, i think i have.

number one. my family. sure, there was that period in time when i was an angsty, rage-driven, melodramatic, emo teenager and i SEEMED to hate my family. well, that period is long over, and i know now just how much i love my family. i loved them all along. cos no matter their misgivings or crap like that, they're still family. they still love me. i still love them. and they will be the first thing stopping me from total self-destruction. all that love was just hidden beneath a lot of emo, angsty rages. i'm still emo, and angsty, but i'd like to say that i kinda have control over my rage issues now. therapy really helps, no? (ok, so i've never been to therapy... so what?)

number two. friends. and i'm not talking fair-weather friends, or situational friends. or any of those sort of crap. i'm most definitely NOT referring to the people i am forced to spend time with just cos i have to. i'm most definitely referring to the 'i-killed-somebody-help-me-hide-the-body' type of friends. when you can sit down and tell your friends that you just broke all the laws in the world, killed a few dozen people and caused the end of the world as you know it, and they would STILL shelter you from the storm, those are the friends you need. that is the kind of friends i have. and these are the people i would do anything for. and they're priority number two.

number three. me. right. me. me and all my faults, and all my wild imagination. cos sometimes you just dont have your family or friends around to chase the dark clouds away. when the nights are long, and you think, why the HELL did i do that crap? and what the HELL was i thinking? sometimes it's just you and the rest of the screwed up world. sometimes you have to just deal with things on your own. and imagination helps. you have no idea how many times i have sat and just wished myself away. i have a wild imagination, and a startling ability to lose myself in it, and get away from reality for a little while. it helps to read a lot. i pretend that things are ok. that i'm not lonely for once. that i'm a capable, smart student. that i'm a halfway decent president. that i'm not a bad muslim.that i am not a total failure of a daughter or friend. and then reality intrudes with a shrill cellphone ring, reminding me that everything is not OK and i am so NOT perfect, and i have to deal. cos this is me. and despite everything wrong i've done and everything i fail to do to make myself a better person, i still love myself. cos if i stop loving myself, what's the point of this entire charade?

i didnt mention religion did i? well, it's not priority one, two OR three. not because it's not important. because to me, religion and belief shouldnt be something you need to prioritize. it should be something innate inside of you. the belief should be steadfast, unshakable and should come without thought or will. it's just there. belief in a god, a higher power, an all powerful being up there in the sky. doesnt matter what it is really, but it should be there. innate. i believe in Allah. i know i do. it's just sometimes, it's hard to be good enough. i've failed a lot. and it sucks. but i do. and i want to believe that i can be forgiven and i can still be good. so i try. i stumble, but i still try.

it's the little things that break me.

2009-03-12T16:33:00.003+08:00

it is officially past the busiest period of this semester. and the relief is palpable. seriously. i lost all my frown lines. almost. it's gonna take a few weeks yet to get rid of them completely.

i had my last test for awhile on wednesday. it was a german vocabulary test. it didnt go that well. but there is hope yet :) ever since the test though, i have been high on the no-stress thing. it was just yesterday. but going back to my room, i felt light and carefree. and i didnt know what to do with myself. it was a pleasant feeling.

and this morning, i went out early to arts to study. on my own accord. and since there was no pressure, and no expectations, i had fun. i bought my favourite tea, i got the really cheap breakfast deal and sat there. i had the sun in my face and music in my ears (i'm currently in a my 'darren hayes' mood now) and my german stuff in front of me.

on top of this miracle, i have been spending. i bought stuff. :) me will share. i bought a dress for $10. and since my favourite brown pair of pants is wearing down, i was thinking of getting a new pair. and then i found ANOTHER brown pair. nice fit. price? $12. brand? Warehouse. Not bad huh? dont ask me why i bought something so similar to my old pair... i like brown.

and i also bought Redcap. say hello...

His name is Redcap. Redcap the Pink Dumbear. It's a new word Dumbo + Bear = Dumbear. And before you say anything, i KNOW it's a beanie. but Redcap is cuter. and Red Cap is a creature from Harry Potter. what more need i say?

he cost $15. i am not broke. but still.... my wallet is pretty loose this week.... going around just giving money away... sighs...

well, at least i'm happy

2009-03-01T17:03:00.001+08:00

bad month. bad week. bad day.

i cant wait to get out of this joint. fly away for just a couple of weeks, and pretend that the world back here doesnt exist. why cant things be simpler? why cant you be here and not halfway around the world?

and why in all hell am i feeling like this?

i cried today. not doing it again for at least another month.

2009-02-19T15:57:00.002+08:00

my nose is running. my head feels stuffy. its 4 pm in the afternoon and i'm in a lecture for my module Japan and Singapore and feeling totally useless.

when it rain, it pours. seriously. yesterday, i felt that i was the most disorganized person on the face of the planet. and i couldnt concentrate in most classes. basically, i felt like crap yesterday. and i was tired. and hungry. most of the day.

and today. i'm sick. running nose. kept sneezing through every single class.

thank goodness i could concentrate during german. its the only class i pay 100% attention to. and i have a german test tomorrow. i think i've studied. then again, its a language. i may be screwed, i just dont know it yet.

and i'm desperado-ing again. i need to stop. and be happy. i really need to be happy right now.

and i want to buy my ipod touch. like soon. like... next week. should i? shouldnt i? i have the money.... its just that i will be left with... not much. but still got leftover... now what? do what? got what?

keine ahnung. das verstehe ich nicht. Der Kurs ist blöd. Die Lehrerin ist wirklich blöd. Mir ist schlecht. Wirklich schlecht. Es wurde immer schlimmer.

2009-02-17T09:34:00.002+08:00

it has recently come to my attention that a lot of people are completely clueless about the existence of this great man called Jeff Dunham. he has brought laughter into otherwise dreary, monotonous days. and he has been a more than suitable alternative for boring lectures with lecturers who's accents ruin any chance i had of actually learning something. behold:

this is just a snippet. and Peanut is my favorite character. funny and over the top. me loves him.

anyway, can you tell i'm not so emo now? which is weird, since its 9.35 am in the morning on a tuesday and i'm downstairs at the lounge with my books, aiming to study and all. and dont give me that look. i must complete my early morning routine of checking emails, facebooking, pinkisthenewblog-ing and occasionally, blogging. like i am now.

i had dance yesterday. which was ok. and i stayed up until about 1 am again gossiping with the people i shall now call the PGP gang. its me, a life sciencer/teacher, my roomie, a business analyst, a nurse and a counselor. we make a weird bunch. ok, so we're all goingtobe or wannabe, but its more fun stating our jobs than our faculties. anyway, thats what we are setting out to be right?

ok, i'm talking crap. i shld transfer this talking crap thing to the writeup and summary i have to do for tutorial. ok ok. chiaoz.

sorry... sorry... cus! auf wiedersehen!

2009-02-13T21:52:00.002+08:00

Carry On My Wayward Son - Kansas

i have been infected by this bug. it's a common bug. it's more of a virus. moderately contagious. and some people are more susceptible to it than others. some exhibit very mild symptoms; sometimes other people arent even aware that someone close to them has contracted this virus. some exhibit extreme symptoms that can even end in death.

i'm talking about emo-ness.

i have it. and the virus is very tricky. sometimes chocolate can cleanse your system enough for you to function properly. but sometimes, even dark chocolate and lots of food can't even cure it! it's a scary disease.

this explains my current soundtrack -points up to the imeem thingy- i wish i had my girls around me now. just hanging around doing nothing. barely talking. but drawing comfort from the fact that we love each other implicitly. and even if we dont always understand each other one hundred percent, we are always confident in the knowledge that no matter what we do or say, it wont change how much we love each other.

talking on msn when you are miles (thousands of miles) away is just not the same. not the same at all.

i miss you girls.

2009-02-12T15:01:00.002+08:00

I am sick.

This new development is most likely due to the fact that I havent been sleeping very much. I have sacrificed sleep time for work and gossiping.

My nose is running away from me and I feel as weak as a baby. Not good. So not good.

Time to sleep.

2009-02-10T10:13:00.002+08:00

it is 10.15 on a tuesday morning. i went to sleep last night at 1am, watching a non-existent 10.40pm lunar eclipse. and then i went for supper with friends and waited for 12am to wish sukma a happy 20th birthday.

that leads me to today. woke up. did my usual morning stuff. surfed the net a bit. replied a couple emails. now i'm seating at my table, bowl of sugar-coated cornflakes by my side, a teabag happily bobbing in a teapot full of boiling water. and a sometime-roomie still sleeping behind me.

and a a genetics test and german test to study for.

what's wrong with this picture?

2009-02-09T08:50:00.002+08:00

the soundtrack to my life now has only one song.

carry on my wayward son. kansas.

it was never this bad the last sem, especially not this early into it. and now i already feel like a sinking ship. i'm hoping that this annoying, depressing, all-consuming wave will pass soon. hopefully its just a symptom of that time of the month. i think i can deal with that.

on other, less depressing news. i want to watch a movie. i havent watched a movie in a cinema since this year started. quite sad actually. but i have 2 tests this week, and one is a language test, so ehhh.... and the stupid coin dispenser downstairs is out of coins. now i cant wash my clothes. which is annoying. cos i'm running out of clothes. and i shld go study now....

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

2009-02-06T10:08:00.002+08:00

I screamed bloody murder last night. literally.

i got back after a long, tiring day. i sat in my chair, watching tv. and then i see movement, right behind my tv. at first, i thought it was a rat. then i saw the horror for what it was, a lizard! i freaked.

i seriously gave a shout. (i hate lizards) in hindsight, i must have sounded crazy. seriously.

i couldnt just leave a lizard in my room to drop unto my unsuspecting, sleeping head. so i rolled up a newspaper and got out my bug spray. i sprayed like there was no tomorrow (and the bug spray didnt cost a bomb). then it went under my drawers. so i sprayed it out. and the idiotic thing stuck its head out at me. so there i was, staring at it staring at me. only its head and its 2 ugly feet poking out from under my drawer.

i smashed its head in. and it tried to escape. so i sprayed and smashed some more. then its tail started wriggling. but it seemed dead. but i didnt dare pick it up. it took me 5 minutes to dredge up the courage to even go near the stupid thing again. and when i was just about to approach it, IT RAISED IT'S HEAD!!!!

i screamed. as in seriously screamed. then i started hitting it again. until it was well and truly smashed. then it took me another 5 minutes to scoop it up with a newspaper. then i threw the entire thing (newspaper and all) out of the window. then i wiped my floor down anti-bacterial floor cleaner. and i sprayed my entire room with bug spray.

so my room now smells like bug spray. and i killed my first lizard. i feel like Hercules.

--

on a lighter note, Infusion is over. it was hectic and fun and people were annoying. i have seen enough girls in bras and panties to last me a lifetime... "sorry, can help me wear? i dunno how.".... who's gonna foot the bill for my therapy?

THEN i went to Ramen Ten with wany, farahD, sukma, her friend (sorry! cant remember her name), siti K, khalid. yum yum. seriously. me love sushi. sashimi. wasabi. and the sushi belt is so damn tempting can?

and then siti's bro came along. he's cute! if i dont say so myself :)

so that was my thursday. or, my donnerstag.

2009-02-01T17:37:00.000+08:00

I am now officially a university undergraduate. I officially now FEEL like a proper university undergraduate. You know why? Cos the campus has now become my home.

I know, I know, I have been staying on campus for a semester already, why in all hell did it take me this long to feel like this? Well, last sem, I was pretty caught up in a whirlwind of activity and adjusting and trying to crush down the wave of panic that threatened to consume me at any given moment. I barely felt my feet touch the ground, let alone had time to set down any roots.

But this sem, it seems like a barely leave the campus. I didnt want to start school, I really didnt want to start the headache of classes, tutorials, labs and assingments. But once I dipped my toes in it, I was sucked into it like quicksand. Being in 2 executive committees has not helped one bit. It feels like everyday, I have one meeting or another. Right now, I'm at one. Yesterday too. Tomorrow, tuesday and wednesday too. And everyday, it seems I have something on and I cant get back to my room soon enough.

So THAT'S why I feel like a real uni undergrad. The university has sunk its claws into my fragile soul and it doesnt want to let go. One lab report after another, assignments, duty rosters, meetings, practices, planning, calls, smses, emails, and then more lecturing.

Somebody give me something to numb the pain. Chocolate will do.

2009-01-21T22:43:00.001+08:00

ok... i actually wanted to be all emo and stuff... but then i saw THIS video, and i just couldn't be...

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

saving the economy! hilarious! and seriously, acceptance people, acceptance is the key.

2009-01-18T21:30:00.002+08:00

oh wow. i guess life just got more fun/exciting/complicated/stressful/blessed/wacky/hectic/surprising....

this new post comes with a lot of responsiblities, commitments and fun. and stress. cant forget the stress. i'm humbled that i got the position, and since the shock has mostly worn off, i am now anxious to prove myself capable of the post. it is not something to be taken lightly.

what makes it worse and yet better is the people. worse because these are people i have come to like and love - each in their own way - and these are the people i consider my friends. so i feel the extra need to be good enough, be worthy enough, of representing these people. its worse because of how much i actually do care about the ilsa gang. not being a good leader and a good friend to them is my greatest fear. not being good enough.

and its also better, because i trust these people. i know they will be behind me and i hope that they know that i will ALWAYS think about the people first, before anything else. it makes it easier because i know i have a strong support group.... and friends to laugh with after all this is done.

writing all this, it's just beginning to sink in what i have actually been blessed with. a great group of people to work alongside me. an amazing group of seniors to guide all of us.

so here we go, off on another journey. as President of Ilsa Tari. this is going to be one hell of a ride.

2009-01-15T18:20:00.002+08:00

school has started with cadavers, irritating people and friendly lizards.

i havent been looking forward to school at all, and being back is sort of a migraine in the making. its a sort of mild, ignorable blip of a throb right now, but i know, soon enough, its gonna develop into a full blown major, brain splitting, jackhammer pounding that will reduce me to stuffing my face with food and bawling like a baby.

but, i shall revel in the niceness now, while i still can. had anatomy lab today. poked a guy's innards, fingered a spleen. peered into the brain of numerous identifiable people. (dead people.... just thought i'd clear that up.)

but it was the less preserved ones, the lives ones, that irritated me. i shall not mention names (cos i dont know her name) but there was this one person who was standing behind me while we were cadaver-ing. kept leaning on me from behind, all touchy feely. and even put her head on my shoulder from behind. hello lady! dont know you. only people i know can use my shoulder as a chin rest! seriously. idiot.

and then there were the jerks on the bus. touch rugby guys. one was named john. how do i know? they have mouths like loudhailers. truly annoying. uncouth, un-hot, rude, crass, vulgar BOYS who seriously did not know when to shut up.

ok, i'm bitching. i know. just had to. now i shall go drown myself in lab practical manuals.

2009-01-04T22:15:00.002+08:00

its a new year, and i think i'm getting pretty emo.

had a melaka trip. just came back. was a blast.

crashing through these walls
of steel, stone and years
undoing all these knots
of my hopes and my fears

i do not know what i crave
i am not aware of what i need
no little spark can shake these bones,
to shake me from this seed

i am ungrown, merely a child
(no lessons, no hurt, no word)
straggling at the back of the pack
struggling to be heard

2008-12-29T00:28:00.002+08:00

oh god, its over. finally? too soon? i cant seem to decide.

all i feel is this overwhelming tiredness, or more accurately, exhaustion. irritation.

i should be happier, shouldnt i? tonight was the culmination of months of preperation and endless hours of practices. but somehow, i'm not as happy as i expected myself to be.

maybe i'm just too tired. i'll see what i feel like tomorrow....

2008-11-28T11:22:00.002+08:00

a critical period of my life is over. time for a blog post. the post reads as follows:

emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo

yup. and just for the sake of it, i'd add something a little less emo. (i know, such a shocker right?)

bio was ok. stats was ok. org chem was HELL. history was fun.

and for the last paper, i had it a few rows away from miss wong mayee. (thats how she spells her name on facebook anyway) it was actually quite amusing. imagine, i'm going to SCHOOL with my teacher. heh. given, we're doing different levels, but still you know.... the irony of it all.

and i feel like my life is over, somehow. not because of chem so much, i dont think. though, you know... it was disastrous. more like, for the past few days/weeks/months, my life has been a non-stop hive of activity. do this do that. wait. do both at the same time! classes, meetings, friends and dance practices.

and now i have nothing planned. nothing for awhile at least. my sister's birthday tomorrow. outing with prong on monday (i think). a sleepover on tuesday (very tentative). and a southbridge outing with the moe peeps sometime next week (even more tentative).

then why do i feel so empty? sighs.

isnt it just depressing when your social life is defined by your school life? sad sad sad. and since i fell into that mood again....

emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo

2008-11-19T14:45:00.005+08:00

my main goal in life is to make other people jealous. in line with this noble goal, i shall now present to you.....

Avocado Milkshake

its basically a health drink. fresh avocado. green and healthy and all that rot. and then, to make it drinkable (aka non-healthy, fattening and oh so delicious) they add a generous helping of chocolate syrup.

i shall now leave you to drool. while i enjoy my milkshake.

2008-11-17T08:32:00.002+08:00

this morning, i was a witness to the extent of singporean kiasu-ness. and it freaked me out. and pissed me off some.

so i woke up right? at a normal time, in a normal way (aka.. 'go away you stupid sun why would you want to wake me up?') around 8 i think. so i wash up a bit, then head downstairs to get some water from the cooler. and then i decide to check out the study rooms, just to see which one i feel like studying in today.

first room. (the one i usually study at) has TWO people already inside. and get this... NAMEPLATES on the tables, supposedly reserving seats. NAMEPLATES! you know, when you fold a regular piece of paper into sort of a triangle shape, write your name in front and ta-dah?! yeah. those things. on tables. to reserve seats. O_O

and then the next room. people left stuff there OVERNIGHT. just left it there. jackets, books and stuff. the whole room was full.

being somewhat shocked, i took the time to feed a couple of cute little (ferocious) cats i discovered yesterday. mummy cat seems very protective and hisses at me a lot, but its ok. she has two kittens and they all seem very hungry. she can spit at me all she wants, but i'm still going to bring her food every morning.

and then i decide to brave the study rooms again and went searching for more. once again, rooms with leftover study materials. and then i chanced upon another example of singapore kiasu-ness.

you see, the study rooms all have doors with those vertical glass panels in them, you know? so you can peak inside. well some people stick a PAPER to cover up that small glass panel and they write the words... 'FULL'. omg! omg!

you know, i am a mugger. i am. i studied in NJC for 4 years, it is impossible for me NOT to be a mugger. and i like securing a place to study just like any other person. BUT i wld never do something like that. thats just mean ya'll.

plus, everybody else has study buddies or study parties. very hard to crash rooms when you're all alone. sighss...

i guess i shall resign myself to studying in my room.

2008-11-11T13:56:00.002+08:00

this whole university life thing is pissin me off

i am still emoing

ignore me.

or not.

or send me ice cream. ice cream does wonders for the soul.

2008-11-05T12:37:00.002+08:00

OBAMA wins! OBAMA wins!

there is hope for america! (and the rest of the world!)

i'm not even american and i'm excited :)

2008-11-04T07:38:00.002+08:00

this is not how i expected it to be.

this is was supposed to be more exciting. more enthralling. more engaging.

but now i'm more lost than ever before.

i am unsure of what i want. i am unsure of what to do. i am unsure of how much i want this, this thing that i have.

i want to go back to the time when freedom was a gift and self-reliance was a virtue. now freedom is a pain and self-reliance is a vice.

emo-ing here. ignore me.

2008-11-02T22:48:00.001+08:00

just dont mess with me now

seriously. i am gonna KEEL you if you mess with me now

2008-10-28T18:45:00.002+08:00

i'm sick. again. again. can you believe it?

its been busy the past weekend, so that must be why. i had jalan raya (house visiting) with the nus dance ppl on saturday. that was fun. it was nice to see people's houses and see how they lived. but there was a lot of eating. as in... a LOT. pictures are on facebook.

and then i had a dance 'camp' on sunday and monday. 12 noon to about 10pm. for two days straight.

and now i'm sick. go figure. nose running away. throat sore. body aching. (made even worse by muscle aches from dance.) and i'm going out with cheryl tomorrow. havent seen her in ages. i want to enjoy it!

-complains-

i shall sleep soon.

oh crap

2008-10-18T12:57:00.001+08:00

feel like shit

tons of shit to do

surrounded by shit

i am in shit

i am shit

there's an error in the argument somewhere in there, but it makes sense to me

goodness gracious

2008-10-15T17:03:00.001+08:00

i havent blogged

swamped with work

like my blogskin? i made it myself

the pictures at the top? i took them

i'm now on twitter

i dont know why i'm on twitter

history essay

shit

Hari Raya Goodies and Changi Beach Beasties

2008-10-03T18:20:00.004+08:00

Hari Raya finally came! the time to celebrate new beginnings and cherish the memories of the past year. a time of joyful food-eating and money-receiving (at least on my end). and a time to bake heap loads of delicious tasting sweet treats to tantalise and fatten.

ah yes... but somehow, this year didnt seem as 'festive' as the years previous. must be the fact that i was basically stuck in my dorm for a large part of the time. and school seem to just take up so much. so much of everything. time. money. brain power. and it fills up my cognitive quota so fast that by the end of the week, my brain just wont function normally.

so Hari Raya wasnt as happy an ocassion as it could have been. what made it worse was that this was the first year celebrating without my greatgrandmother around. the first day of celebrations, for as long as i can remember, has always gone like this: grandmother's house -- greatgrandmother's house -- uncle's house

and this time it went: grandmother's house -- uncle's house -- greatgrandmother's grave -- another relative's house.

i guess i'll just have to get used to it. oh, and VERY early on in the day (at the first stop), i broke a whole pitcher full of red red drink. ominous no?

--------------------------------------------

on to relatively more stressful stuff.

FIELD TRIP TO CHANGI BEACH

and before that, a 3 hour organic chem practical. alternate fridays are a killer. anywho... i was kinda looking forward to the field trip, since you know, its a field trip. the trip was cross-island, almost - clementi to changi - and i slept like a baby the whole way. chem lab had taken a lot out of me.

and then when i touched down on dry sand... (haha... dry land! get it?!) i realised my teaching assistant (TA) was not there... Janice. instead group A5 got sam. easy on the eyes. reminded me of hugh laurie in house a little bit; same blue eyes i think. hey, a girl's gotta appreciate the finer things in life, right?

but basically, i spent most of the trip in a daze, trying to fight my way out from under a wave of lethargy and the fogginess in the exhausted organ i call a brain. trying to keep up with the group. nodding at everything sam or the people in my group said though i didnt really understand it all. and wait... i'm not even sure the guy's name is sam. fudge. nevermind.

basically: got wet, saw a seahorse, touched a ball-like jellyfish, crashed through a test that accounts for 5% of my total score. not expecting much from the last one.

the main highlight of the day was the picture taking (a5 is a very enthusiastic group) and the cookies i gave out as hari raya celebration thingys. really sad janice wasnt there though, she's the one helping us stumble through the confusing jungle that is biodiversity so far. and cat watching. saw plenty of cats. deffo a highlight.

thats it i guess.

--------------------

PS: any and all pictures and videos are now loaded on facebook. the easiest way. so check there. i am now a very trigger happy kinda person.

PPS: his name is sam. checked my mail.

i think hell froze over, did you get the memo?

2008-09-23T17:55:00.003+08:00

i'm studying.

this wld be your cue to start running around in wild, abject terror. watch out for the flying pigs! and the falling sky!

let me clarify, for those idiots who are not running yet. it's a tuesday. it's my holiday week. and i'm in woodlands regional library. studying. history.

now RUN!

---- (at a later time)

omg! omg! omg! hell did freeze over! 42/50 for an organic chem test! organic chem ya'all!

and two A's for both my biology tests!!!!

i am soooo treating myself to chocolate later!

-grinsacrazygrin-

Dealing with disaster

2008-09-18T09:57:00.003+08:00

just finished ny very iffy statistics test. it was.... ummm.... iffy.

guess what? i have my first eye-candy ever! my first eye candy thats not a teacher, anyway. i never really had eye candies in jc did i? i mean, prong, you had j2-cuteguy and yuen had navyman, and hockeyguy. was hockey guy yours yuen? or prongs? cant remember. i didnt really think anyone was really cute.

but now i have tons to pick from! every class has at least one. physics? check. chem? check. stats? def check. history? check. biodiversity? eh.. not so much. hey, at least i got 4 out of 5. just small little totally non-serious fun. :)

on a less shallow note, i think i'm adjusting pretty well to uni life. and i'm actually studying and trying to keep up with work, instead of leaving everything to the last minute. which is a huge 180 for me, dontcha think?

random thought: i miss yuen.

oh the winds of change have blown across my land...

2008-09-11T20:18:00.003+08:00

it's either the winds of change or my normal moody self. yesterday i was sad, today i'm happy. i've decided to have CONFIDENCE. especially for the chem lab tomorrow... i need confidence! even if i DID screw up the last lab... cos i KNOW i did...

but let's not talk about the sad stuff... let's talk about this!

my new bag! i bought it on impulse, but i'm happy! there were all these bags with actors/actresses and i asked the lady... do you have johnny depp? and BAM! and YAY!

can you tell i'm happy? :)

academic blues

2008-09-10T13:41:00.003+08:00

i am officially stressing out. people got back some of their lab/essays and the marks are like, B+/A+. that's what i want. but i know for a fact that i screwed up my last chem lab. my yield was like what? 70%? yield is supposed to be as close to 100% as possible.

oh gosh, i'm panicking. its like jc all over again. i thought i was studying properly, and i believed i knew my stuff, but i still failed chem. failed like 'first-voyage-of-titanic- kind of disaster. and now its happening again. and i had that organic chem test. please please please dont let it turn out like that. please!

and i cant afford to fail. i want to do minors. i want to get my ass in student exchange. i want to excell. i havent really ever done that before.

on top of that. i'm getting fat. no more excercising. and i'm eating big meals cos i'm depressed. ok. now i officially want to cry. damn it! why cant anything go right?

oh my gosh.....

2008-09-09T19:49:00.002+08:00

it's fasting month again. here's the thing, buka (or breaking fast) is, at least to me, a very communal thing. wherever you are, you usually rush home to eat with your family. i mean, its the only meal you eat in a day.

but since i'm in pgp, i usually eat alone. and here starts the self-pity. usually i just buy my food back up to my room and have my tv for company. pity-fest escalates. i'm all alone. *cue melodramatic music*

and i just realised that i'm fat.

*cue rainy weather, emo music and running black mascara*

i shall go relieve myself of my sorrows.

*cue dramatic scene where i fling myself off a rickety bridge into churning, tumultuous waters*

weaning

2008-09-07T20:29:00.002+08:00

i was sitting on my porcelain throne just awhile ago, when i was struck with a heavy revelation. mouse faces. my bathrobe does not have flower embellishments on it, it had mouse face embellishments!

i was attempted to shout 'eureka!' but that would have drawn unwanted attention. this is the same bathrobe i have been using for the past 4 weeks. bravo johanna. bravo.

this just goes to show that i am an unobservant idiot. which i already knew. so... not much enlightenment on that part. but at least i am now smarter and more aware when it comes to the embellishments on my bathrobe.

on a more banal note, i have an organic test tomorrow. please please please wish me good luck. i am egoistic enough to ask for luck. egotism or desperation? hmm.. cant tell the two apart right now. i think i got the basics down, but look what happened during jc!

i'm rambling arent i?

A Monday in My Life

2008-09-02T23:39:00.005+08:00

life has been a kind of hectic fun. and i thought that i should chronicle it. and since i got a brand new camera, i decided that a photo collage was the way to go. but i just didnt know how to 'collage' my photos. in the end, i settled on making a video.

and it was super simple using Adobe Organizer. so here is my handiwork :)

it's just a small video. hey yuen, make one ok? dont forget. you too prong. and everybody else. let's live vicariously. :)

i dont know why, but i feel kinda in limbo nowadays. my mood isnt really swinging, but my... thoughts are. i'm not sure what to do. or what i'm doing. but at least i'm not very lost.

ciao.

I Survived Comex 208

2008-08-30T22:58:00.002+08:00

they should have a t-shirt with that slogan on it. cos surviving comex really is a challenge....

all was well and fine until i hit the citylink mall. just as you step outside the mrt station proper.... JAM. as in massive, congested, suffocating, hot, smelly human jam. it was seriously seriously crazy. security guards were yelling, "keep to your left! keep to your left!" and people were seriously pushing and shoving. and poor (small) me was pushed around...

when i got to suntec (finally) it was the same thing. but at least i managed to get the stuff i wanted! i got a laser printer (a MUST have for uni life) and a new camera! i'm giving my old one to my sis. cos i am a nice sis and cos my old one a bit blurry... dunno why...

so yes, today was an IT day :)

fan group

2008-08-27T11:34:00.003+08:00

he walks around waving those things about
like an overactive Disney animation
it swings! it flourishes! and with such ease!
the entertaining pantomime of a ringmaster

he sweeps across the floor with his tool
captivating his reluctant, silent crowd
undaunted by grim faces, he carries on
conjuring fantasies with a wave of his wand

with a careless flick of a magical switch
the enthrallment multiplies ten-fold
the strength! the power! the beauty we behold!
the stands gasp silently in rumination

but the show begins to wind down slow
and I come out from my lucid high
the commotion around me breaks the spell
I realize that I was an audience of one.

~~~

There! a poem at long last. its stupid, very childish, but there it is. i havent written a poem (even a bad one) in a long while and goodness gracious me! this one aint depressive or moody! i think hell has frozen over.

this is the first week of lectures+tutorials. feels same same, but its getting a bit tiring. only third week and i'm tired. oh man oh man oh man. very sad. i wonder how yuen is doing over there? riding a bike and conversing in chinese. i never though i'd live to see the day. that girl is going to come back as a full-fledged tai tai. just watch.

i'm intending to head to school today with cheryl for teacher's day. i'm busy on other days so today its gotta be. i have some invitations to make here....

1. anybody want to watch Avenue Q with me? (cos if not i'm going alone)
2. anybody want to go to hawaii with me next june/july? (cos my mom says i cant go alone this time)

the hawaii thing is def on too. thats where i want to go, and i'm budgeting for it starting now. but if you want to go with me must fill out a 'Travel Companion' form and if you are shortlisted, you will be asked in for an interview. all official like. i intend to have fun on the trip, and i need someone i can have fun with. :)

since when did i give a spam?

2008-08-21T16:16:00.000+08:00

ha! i'm finally blogging, after my very short and emo post below. yuen will probably be sighing in relief... hehehe...

settling into dorm life hasnt exactly been easy. the freedom is both freeing (queue guffaws) and frightening. i do a hell a lot of thinking and a fudgin lot of singing. why singing? cos its so damn quiet in a room by yourself. actually, its quite ironic, me singing wld drive anyone out of my room, if i ever have anyone to share it with.

add the above with the all around confusing/stressful start of classes and you have a very emo johanna. i'm naturally morose most of the time, but recently, i have been down right sylvia plath-ly.

AND yuen is leaving. i mean, seriously! who am i supposed to gossip with? who is supposed to psycho me into buying clothes and shoes i dont really need? you're much more to me than that. you get my drift right?

i shall pay attention to the lecture now. i've typed this entire post in my understanding the universe lecture... on my phone! ha! not on my laptop. i am anomalous like that.

ps: its hard to take this woman seriously when she pronounces 'roster' as 'rooster' and adds extra syllableseseses at the end of her words.

oh me oh my

2008-08-14T22:43:00.002+08:00

i havent blogged in awhile have i? its just that i have not has the inspiration nor the energy to write anything.

today was meant to be a fun day. and it was. having prong and yuen come over was amazing. it was like the good old days at jc. we ate, we had fun.

but now i'm down. like just really down. almost depressed, but not quite there. i think its the adjusting part. and the loneliness part. what am i supposed to do without you? prong. yuen. i'm lonely i think.

oh me oh my.

what am i to do?

2008-07-17T20:57:00.002+08:00

and the day started out so well. i guess i wont be going for Singfest after all.

now i'm depressed.

6.13

2008-07-13T16:32:00.004+08:00

First off, i'd like to start with an apology to cheryl for unceremoniously deserting you this afternoon. you see, we were supposed to go out but due to really unseen circumstances, i was unable to go at the last minute. luckily, i managed to catch her just as she was leaving the house. and she was so supportive and caring! and there was i deserting her. so sorry cheryl, and thanks for all your support. we MUST meet soon ya? and this time, NOTHING will stop us!

and so, i managed to settled the unsettling matter and then i went (kinda reluctantly) to my primary school gathering; class 6.13 of 2001! we havent seen each other in 6 years!

anyway, sze hwee arranged it and we all trooped down to sakura at downtown east. at first, i wasnt really looking forward to it cos i wasnt sure if we'd have anything to really talk abt, but i shldnt have worried cos it turned out to be a blast! the pics will tell the rest of the story. (i seem to be blogging with pictures a lot recently.)

the very happy class of 6.13. the turn out wasnt that bad actually... haha..

me and shao jie. we used to live really close together and so we walked home from school together a lot. we used to stop by this mama shop to buy tidbits, esp after weekend extra classes. he's all grown up now! and i must say, he's looking good!

this is joel. (side not: why am i so short?) he was a riot during class... :)

me and mastura! this girl doing medicine you know. and is on the national badminton team. we used to play netball during recess all the time... haha.. missed her man...

you see! she grew, and i shrunk! thus is life....

me and ily. the fun picture...

now, the proper picture... this girl has an almost identical twin.. it was a headache in primary school trying to figure them out!

eileen.... still as tall and pretty as ever!

me and jeh ni. she's still as tall. dont let the photo fool you. she was being nice and bending down for me... hehe..

sze hwee! i remember she and i were very friendly-competitive in pri school. and she was a HC girl! two years we studied opp each other and we didnt know! how sad... she's going to be a dentist! so cool right?

me, and mas, and an infiltrator named eunice!

me, wing ki and ke xin.... the three pretty ladies...

an artistic shot of me and eunice. she changed A LOT! barely recognized her...

and last, but definitely not least. mdm irma. the greatest teacher on the face of the planet. i loved her in primary school, and i love her now. she's so kind, and caring and funny, its hard NOT to love her. this is the kind of teacher we need in the system man. AND she hasnt aged! serious! she looks the same now as she did 6 years ago! must get her secret....

so that was the outing. day started out bad (sorry cheryl!) but ended up great. its always weird for me when i meet people i havent seen in a long time. one part is joy and surprise. the other part is shame. i'm really not good at keeping up with people. but from now on, i'm going to try to keep in contact with all the people who mean something to me... you cant have too many friends right?

Office Work

2008-07-11T23:57:00.005+08:00

This is my table at work. I just thought i'd be random. nice table huh? old computer though. i have a big space to work with. the table is kinda messy cos i had work to do. and see the red pen? an imp pen that one. i do most of my work with it.

And here is my stack of work. basically, i post about 100 to 200 invoices at one go. this is the stack for june and the first part of july. business is slow, usually there's much more than this. and the rack beside it is for the non-postables. and rubbish!

This is the copy room with the great view. i dont do much work here anymore. the intern does the work now. hehehe...

And this is the all important pantry, where i get the all important coffee. and i make milo sometimes too when i'm feeling thin and think i need fattening up. which is very often.

working in an office is something you have to experience to truly understand. its tiring, esp for a desk job, and boredom becomes your best friend. esp for me. when i have barely any work to do at all. business is bad, i no work. at least i get paid.

and here are some random pictures....
this was at haagen daaz that day when we had fondue. you see, yuen very greedy one. hehehe...

and this is me and prong being equally greedy. what to say? we love eating!

i'm bored. i'm currently at work. and guess what? i just typed out this entire entry, including adding the pictures, on my phone. i love my phone. i write essays on it! haha... ciaoz.

OBS and the aftermath

2008-07-10T20:43:00.006+08:00

(Yes, i'm back on blogger. dont look so shocked.)

I was kinda dreading OBS, to tell you the truth. Like I’ve said so many times, I’m not a very physical person. I hate running and I generally dislike activities in the hot sun. that’s why I’m in dance. Duh.

But in the end, my OBS experience was pretty cool. Thanks in large to these people.

Bo Seng! And our ‘facilitator’ Alex. In this pic, we were taking shelter from the rain (which stopped pretty quickly).

I’m not going to bore you with the little little details. Plus, I’m too tired to write anything more. I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves. So turn up the volume! *rolls eyes at her own lame joke*

this was the plank challenge thing we did. :)

the tarp game! we spent sooooo long on it! but we made it in the end. was teased constantly by alex for it...

we do not like tarps anymore... mean tarp! bad tarp!

we made it to the top! the highest point in ubin.

and the view was gorgeous. le sigh....

at the campsite! i'm with rachel. a very pretty non-chinese-looking chinese. haha.. like me!

washing up in the sea! so kampung.

Bo Seng! this was after the very emotional sharing sesssion. *sob sob*

BO SENG! and our coat of arms. i lub my group. (:

AND yesterday, I went to Timbre with Yuen and Prong. This outing no pictures one. why? Cos never bring camera. The company was great and the music was good. My drink was passable. It was this mocktail named a Gunner. Ginger beer, ginger ale and a twist of lime. And a whole lot diluted. Urgh. Plus, I couldn’t eat some more, cos the place wasn’t halal. Very very sad. But I had a good time. We caught up. We told stories. Enjoyed good music. But we are definitely not made to be party girls. We left at 10. such goody goody two shoes we are. I had work the next day (today), so no choice.

So, just to clear stuff up: i’m probably switching back to blogspot. Multiply has a lot of kinks that’s NOT being worked out. Keeps hanging and stuff. But I may just hang on to it. So….. ya.

And I have moved on

2008-06-09T21:40:00.002+08:00

Bye bye bloggy. You've served me well for the last 5 years. Bye bye.

http://johannachin.multiply.com/

Oh my gosh!

2008-06-09T20:10:00.000+08:00

Australia tomorrow. For three weeks.

Why can’t I go there by boat or something? I hate flying. Ok, I like it when I’m up in the air, but I hate the take off, and I hate the landing. Sigh.

I’m going to buy a lot of stuff. A lot a lot of stuff. I hope.

Sigh.

I’m sighing a lot today. I’m currently sitting at my desk, writing. It feels good to know that I wont need to come to work for awhile. Very relaxing. Not that I have much to do here in the first place. Business kinda slow nowadays. Not many invoices.

And I shrunk. Can you believe it? I remember a time when I was 1.5m. that was nice. Then I shrunk to 1.48m. I was like, ok, fine, I shrunk. How interesting. And then I went for the medical checkup on Saturday. I shrunk again. now I’m 1.46m. how sad is that? I’m inclined to believe that it was a ruler error, but the equipment and stuff weren’t exactly dodgy and I was standing really straight. I’m shrinking. How sad.

And seriously? 1.46??? what the peanut butter! When I was 1.48, I could just fudge a bit and say I was 1.5. but now, with a 1.46 label, I’m closer to 1.45 to 1.5. how sad is that? Very sad. i shall now mourn my lack of height.

*mourns*

Ok, done. Oh well, now I have added reason to say I’m small and cute. I am small. And everybody knows that small people are cute. Universal knowledge. So there.

And I realize that I’m not that heavy either. Haven’t weighed myself since last year. And I found out on Saturday that I’m actually not too bad. Whew. Now I have an excuse to eat more. Hehehe…

And stupid yuen, dunno how to tell me you go hong kong. Humph! So mean. And prong. Haven’t heard from you in ages. Are you still alive?

*flips through obituary pages*

Umm… I guess you are. Or maybe, you aren’t. maybe you got abducted and chopped into little pieces. You better sms me or something so at least I know I wont find a tiny piece of you in my breakfast cereal.

Ok, I shall stop crapping now.

ah... what?

2008-05-22T20:37:00.000+08:00

Arrghh…… arrgghhh…. Arggghhhhhh…

Don’t know what I’m arghhhhhing for, but it feels good. Do you know how broke I am right now? My bank account is like Humpty Dumpty. So broke, it will never be put back together again. Add to that my Australia trip, and it’s a nightmare. But that’s not why I’m arrgghhing.

Alvin wont eat, and its really sad. Plus, he swings between hyper active, and lazy-like-shit. So, I’m worried. Going to buy him a different kind of food today, and some playthings. That, added to point number one above (my brokeness) is making my situation worse. But I will not scrimp on my Alvin. He’s too expensive to let him die now. Plus, I want to see him grow up. And according to my research, he grows up BIG.

Oh, and I need to do laptop research. Not so sure about my Mac anymore. My phone and psp work on windows system, so getting a mac would cause me a lot of trouble. So I’m thinking of sony or HP. Something that will last. I’m not made of money you know.

Oh oh. And Ironman is the da bomb! Loved it! Tony stark is hot, though in the comics, he’s a lot more dysfunctional. Cant wait till the next one comes out. There is gonna be a next one right? I mean, it did so well in the box office. And I want to watch Indiana jones! Me love the series…

And on a happy note. My boss just smiled at me! And said something funny. My hot, French boss. Le sigh. ok, technically not a big deal, but, hey, a girls gotta take what she can get right? *grins*

And now its nearing the end of the day. My day at work, at least. And now I trudge on home. I’m kinda depressed. Don’t know the heck why. But I am. How sad.

Oh the Joys (and sadness) of May!

2008-05-18T17:48:00.003+08:00

i know i havent blogged in a long time, but i think i finally have something interesting to say! May has been a pretty sweet month so far, so here goes.

i got a scholarship. an MOE local teaching scholarship! yay me! and if everything goes smoothly, i should be studying biology at NUS in a couple of months. oh wow.

i cut my hair! and i love it!

i bought new glasses. nerdy ones, but i was aiming for a new nerdy look anyway. so, i love this too!

i booked my flight to australia! so you wont be seeing me from the 10th to the 26th of june. (i know yuen, 27th is the moe meeting thing. i'm crazy.)

and i got a new pet! his name is Alvin Winchester and he's a rather dashing boy, if i dont say so myself. of course, i'm biased. i want to show him off, so come over to my house y'all! :) and just a word of caution, he's not exactly for the faint of heart. or the squeamish.

the only downside to this month was the passing of my great-grandmother, my yot. i was close to her in my younger years cos i used to live with her. but i firmly believe that she is in a better place, and i am thankful that she doesnt have to suffer anymore. so, it is a sad occassion, but i'm happy knowing that she is probably watching over me right now. she used to take care of me real good last time. she even put actual salt in my food. when i was young, my mom refused to put any salt in my food cos she was afraid it would be bad for me. it was my yot that gave me food with actual taste! just a quirky tidbit i would like to share with the world. i will always remember her with love.

not again

2008-05-03T08:51:00.001+08:00

I really don’t know what to do with myself. I was such a fake-o. seriously. Desperate. Phony. Fake-o.

So many things I’ve done that I’ve regretted. It was harsh time of self-discovery for me and it hurt like hell. I wish I didn’t have to go through all that, but I guess I had and have no choice since it shaped me into the person I am today. I mean, all the things I did. Seriously, I was one messed up kid. If you come up to me and asked me what I lied about, I will tell you. (Provided I know you and consider you a good friend.) damn, I was one messed up kid. I don’t know how you guys stuck with me. Damn damn damn.

Couldn’t really help it though. Maybe I could, but it didn’t want to. All my life, I’ve felt that the path I was following was too narrow for me. I always wanted to be someone else. Someone I’m not. So much more fun. The dream worlds I built myself were fantastic and stupid. My real life was boring.

And now I look back on it, I think, what the hell was I thinking???!! Seriously. Maybe the things I’ve done aren’t that bad. I mean. Nothing illegal. I didn’t kill anyone. Just, morally to me, right now, I wouldn’t even try it. Seriously. I was one screwed up kid.

And I’m still screwed up. But at least now I know I am, and I’m trying really hard to get back on track. Those days will always be remembered as my Dark Age. Haha… So. To my friends, thanks for sticking around even when I sounded like a total nutjob. Sorry for the lies. I just wanted to make myself seem more…. Not me. Do you get it? I didn’t want to be me. I’m not sure I like the person I am now, but its better than before. So once again, sorry. Lies aren’t good. I know that now. And I’d rather take my old boring life, than go back to those lies.

emoing

2008-04-23T21:57:00.001+08:00

I’m a bad poet. I can freely admit to that. Seriously. My poetry (if you can even call it that) is always angsty and too long. Then there’s the nasty habit I have of starting out really short (in rhythm terms) and ending up really long. Doesn’t help that I’m usually in a foul, down-in-the-hole kind of mood. I’m not really down now. Though I kinda have writer’s block. Cant seem to start. But I finished the last one with a perfect sense of clarity and creativity. Oh well, maybe it will come back after lunch.

Pity the girls

Woe to the girl, who in her dreams,
sees only the gentle and lovely things.
for in this life, not but demons await,
and an unjust judge deals our fate.

Woe to the girl, for when she wakes
she feels the world around her quake.
Reality darkens her soul and she falls,
faster than those who dream of nothing at all.

Woe to the innocents, woe to these girls.
Pity the children with their cherry blond curls.
Weep for the women with their hearts of stone.
Weep for the innocence they have long since outgrown.

This is an example. See. Bad poem! Bad poem! Go sit in the naughty corner! Sighs. And the only short stories I’m coming up with now are sooooo not really mine. I’m suffering from a lack of creative endeavors. Numbers are not really creative. Yes, I got an A in maths and I-shall-not-mention-what in lit. but that does not mean I’m cracked up to be a accounts assistant my whole life, and I don’t really enjoy it.

Emo post. But I’m not really in an emo mood. Sighs again.

what the?

2008-04-22T19:31:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a weird, nice, fun day for me. First I went to my cousin’s/uncle’s house. He’s technically by uncle but I call him abang (older brother). Anywho, he got married a while back, and he and his wife (Yanti) just moved into their new apartment. So there was a house-warming. It was a really really nice house. And there was lots of food. No need to tell you that I pigged out like, well, a pig.

So this visit got me thinking. About married life and all that jazz. And you know what? I cant wait to get married. Sure its scary and all that, but its nice knowing that you have someplace and someone to go home to that’s definitely, exclusively yours. I mean, who wants to share their husband right? But if you’re offering, and your husband’s rich, I don’t mind sharing. I’ll share your husband. But no ones sharing MY husband.

Anywho, after that was the Musique concert at esplanade. Met ying shean, pris and shao min at raffles city first. When we got there, it was still empty (free-seating) so we got seats right in front. As in, right infront. The concert was really good. Usually classical music of any sort, and especially strings, depressed me to no end. I have quite a few collections at home. And quite a few soundtracks, like the Star Wars one, and the Harry Potter ones. But its so damn depressing. I like it. But at the end, I feel like I should go do something angsty. Like wear red and hang myself on a tree with a poetic and melancholic suicide note pinned to my chest. Or something like that. But its much better hearing live music. Less angst. More enjoyment. Even if the songs were pretty sad.

Cheryl was good. :) really enjoyed her solo piece. Though I must say (being bitchy here) that the other player (anonymity is respected) was totally crap. Ok, maybe not the playing, got to admit she was ok, if not quite good. But her total over-the-topness. Seriously. Dramatic, attention-seeking dress. Over the top makeup. (seriously, you’re not in a big concert hall, you’re in a small, intimate setting, no need to lather on the make-up) and oh-so-fake facial expressions and the closing-of-eyes-so-it-makes-me-seem-like-I’m-immersing-myself-in-the-music-thing? So fake. So phony. So not nice to watch. I’m sorry, but I really don’t like actors. Unless you really ARE an actor, and you’re in a play, that’s fine.

Enough bitching for one post. Gave Cheryl her flower after the show. She looked really pretty. And she had killer heals on man! Like…. Stilettos! You go girl! Hugged, took pictures. Was very proud of her. :) then me and ying shean headed home. Except we didn’t head straight home. The night was still young, and we ARE young, so we decided to grab something to eat. Ying shean got this nice jap ice cream, and I was feeling peckish too.. so I got fishball. Haha… yeah. Fishball for supper. Yum yum.

Anywho, that’s not the exciting part. The exciting part was the part when we decided to go look at bags. See, before we went off to esplanade, I was at the basement looking at bags. One caught my eye. $35, very unstructured, look like fake leather. Quite big. Wanted it, but couldn’t decide. So we went to see, I wanted to ask ying shean for advice. I decided that I didn’t want it, but then another bag caught my eye. Black, small, and very pretty. On impulse, I bought it! Haha! After so long, searching for a bag, I bought one! And guess what? Ying shean bought one too! She saw this nice, beige document-bag looking thing, and got it! Haha! Impulse buys! Yay! It’s the day after, and we’re both happy! Oh joy! Oh sweet rapture! Yay!

Ok, go back to work now. Ta-ta.

PS: long post eh this one?
PPS: (at 11.08 am) I now have a gum-induced headache. I always get gum-induced headaches, but I insist on eating them. Dunno why.

oh my!

2008-04-13T10:43:00.000+08:00

Yuen told me to blog, so, like a good girl, I blog. I’m typing this at work, and I’ll post it when I get home.

Why haven’t I been blogging, you may ask? Hmm. People blog when there’s something exciting happening in their lives. I have NOTHING exciting going on right now. It is quite sad really. My life consists of: waking up, going to work, coming home, fiddle with the computer, go to sleep. Then the cycle repeats. Stupid really. So that’s why I haven’t been posting. Nothing to update.

Well, there are some highlights to my current lifestyle. Like the eye-candy. Plenty of that here. Its like a buffet. You like French? Look inside that room, the Big Boss. Feeling like some Italian? That other room. Fancy a nice British bloke? Close your eyes, point in a random direction and voila! Its quite fun really. And non-Singaporean guys are so much more fun. More genteel, should I say? I’m not saying Singapore guys are bad. But these guys have a sense of humor, and aren’t afraid to share it. Tell me a joke and you get me everytime. Haha…

On a more somber note. I have been mood-swinging like a bloody pendulum. Its quite annoying. I wake up in a great mood, ready to take on the day. And then wham! Mood plummets to the core of the earth. Makes me wanna cry everytime. Or it may be the other around. I wake up lower than the low. Than by lunch, I’m singing to myself and spinning around in my little swivel chair. Today’s different though, I have been in a good mood since this morning. Happy happy me.

Other random facts. Been reading anne rice again. I think it takes a certain type of mood to read her books. She’s very detailed and rich, but heavy and dark at the same time. By the end, you’re either crying, or feeling like you have an awesome weight on your heart. Poor vampire-thingys.

Oh yes, who’s going with me to NJ string concert and Aristal? I wanna go. *pouts and stamps foot*
Oh, another thing. I’m not adding back the silly tagboard thing. No one ever tags. Comment if you will. Or just sms me. Brighten my dreary days. :)

uh oh

2008-04-08T20:45:00.002+08:00

i havent posted in a long long long long while. this post is actually influenced by yuen. she just updated. so must i.

work is boring sometimes, exciting sometimes, and most of the time very interesting. i've been spending my time, when not working, on stories. and poems.

i'm mood swinging.

so how's it hangin?

2008-02-22T20:56:00.002+08:00

work is kinda over-rated huh? it's not bad per se, there's nothing much for me to do now, but still. it's only the thought of money that keeps me going through the long, long hours.

ive been having pretty freaky dreams about the A levels recently. the last one was mr ong handing out our results, but the class met in a restraunt of some kind. i was late, along with joyce and runyu i think. when i got in, yuen and prong had saved a place for me, and mr ong handed me a grey packet that looked like it had a lot of documents in it. i woke up before i could open it.

its really really freaky. scary. freaky scary.

anyway, i wrote a story! i have no idea where the idea came from, but i wrote the phrase, "the only recourse" and the story just poured out. i get silly phrases in my head, and they dont want to get out till i do something about it. i dub it, "Coward's Death". here. see what you think:

The only recourse that was open to him seemed to be a coward’s death. He did not know what other path could save him from the disastrous situation he had inexplicably landed himself in. He had somehow been transported into a very dangerous predicament. His mind reeled as it tried to comprehend the enormity of the situation and the correspondingly alarming solution. As if responding to the turmoil hidden behind them, his eyes voluntarily darted around the cavernous room, searching for and finding nothing that presented itself as a handy solution. On the contrary, the images that bombarded his mind - courtesy of his traitorous appendages – only caused him more grief.

He stood there, his heart pounding in his ears, hands clenching and unclenching sporadically. Paling slightly at first, the furious beating of his heart caused him to flush heavily, his pale skin taking on a reddish glow in the harsh morning sun. The cool air rushing all around him did nothing to ease the redness that seemed to be scorching him from the inside. The tips of his fingers and toes were glowing red, his heart deciding that these extremities really, really needed the extra blood flow.

His initial and instinctive defiant, offensive stance folded in on itself, making him seem smaller and more vulnerable, exactly how he felt at that very moment. He felt as if he were faced with a blood-thirsty horde of enemies that were trained to pounce on every weakness he was foolish enough to show. More than a hundred pair of eyes stared hungrily at him, seeming to be sizing him up. If the rapturous expressions they wore were any indication, they found him a tasty morsel. A battle-hardened warrior, he should have been used to, if not comfortable with, this kind of attention, but there was something about this particular group that made him feel like a little child.

He stood alone in the middle of a large congregation, him the odd one out in a sea of people clad in black. Anxiously, his eyes darted around again, independently searching for an escape route, but this time, they landed on a sight that froze his blood cold. There, behind him, the leaders of this gathering of people. He had left his defenseless back open to attack. He had showed his posterior to his enemies. Any soldier knows that leaving your back unguarded was a very, very bad idea. And these people were ruthless.

It seemed his heart finally grasped the seriousness and utter desperation of the situation, and had allowed all blood to drain drastically away from his countenance. Pale, and now trembling, he noticed the evil smirk that was leveled at him from a decidedly unwelcome source. His arms were protectively wrapped around himself, his hands desperately fluttering over sensitive areas. The smirk only widened and he was made aware of an even more sinister expression being centered on him by the undisputed head of the assembly. The twinkle that shone from those eyes was aimed at his prone form. And despite all his valor and courage, he felt his stomach plummet and his mind swim in consternation. His situation had deteriorated to a point he had not thought possible when he had first been dumped unceremoniously into it. It had not been his intention, but here he was, vulnerable and exposed in the midst of unwelcome, greedy eyes.

This dawning realization of the true horror that he found himself in led him to reaffirm that the only way out of this calamity was the very thing he swore never to do. A coward’s death was not in his style, but it was the only solution. He had to throw himself off a very high tower.

Hesitatingly moving towards the doors that led to the salvation of his pride, and his soul, he decided to address the group before him.

“I think I’ll go throw myself off the Astronomy Tower now.”

With that, a very naked, embarrassed and mortified Professor Harry Potter, defeater of Voldemort, ran out of the Great Hall to the amusement (and for some, disappointment) of his students and his fellow colleagues. And to think this had all started out with just a harmless wish to get to breakfast on time.

whaddaya noe?

2008-02-10T20:04:00.000+08:00

i do not like myself right now. i'm not usually sure who i am right now, so how am i supposed to like myself right?

i'm in a dilemma. i think i'm going to have to re-evaluate everything. just think on it.

oh, and i've gone all devil on your ass. after watching sweeney todd, i have a larger than normal affinity for the colour red. maybe chinese new year has something to do about that too. :)

Meat Pies.....Shudder

2008-02-04T15:45:00.000+08:00

the day started out like any other. woke up feeling cranky. then i had the inspired idea to go watch a movie. not just any movie, Sweeney Todd - The Demon Barber of Fleent Street. so while awaiting this prodigous moment, i watched Saw 4 at home. gave me chills, the show did.

then i happily made my way down to Sunplaza Mall to catch the 12pm show. and to my utter surprise (and delight), the woman didnt ask to see my ID for entrance into an M18 show. oh joy! oh rapture! i actually look my age. i sincerely thought that i would have to put up a valiant fight with swords and magic curses to get into the cinema. but no, they let me in just fine.

the movie (to my slightly biased view) was excellent. loved the songs. especially the ones that went... "Johanna... I'll steal you Johanna". Johanna was Sweeney Todd's (aka Johnny Depp) daughter. one can only dream. a warning though, if you're squemish, avoid the movie, and if you are prone to bouts of gore-induced vomiting, then dont eat anything too heavy before or during the show. bloody movie this one, and this i mean literally.

since i was in such high spirits, i decided to take a walk back home. there i was, happily waiting at a junction to cross the road when

BANG! CRASH! CLANG!

a truck with an attached crane rammed right into an overhead traffic light and crashed into the mrt track. now, it took me a few moments to comprehend this disaster that happened not 5 meters away from me. the lorry was stuck where it was, tilted slightly to one side, with the remnants of a traffic light scattered about. i was the only pedestrian at the scene, since the place was quite deserted, but there were plenty of cars about. being the clever girl that i am, i dialled 999. my first ever police report dontchaknow. quite proud of myself. stupid truck driver couldnt read the sign? 4.5 meters and below only, but no, he had to ram right into the tracks.

so that was my adventurous day.

Life? What is Life?

2008-02-01T20:35:00.000+08:00

just landed myself a job. a stable one at least. at..... *drum roll*

STMicroelectronics!

*cue blank faces*

ok, so maybe you havent heard of it, but its kind of a big company. i went for first day today. and guess what? one week off! haha... next week no work cos its like a mass hols thing. so fun right?

not really. when i get back. i gotta rush out these tax invoices. scary you know. key in wrong number, the company lose money. imagine if i keyed in '15000' instead of '1500'. die. dead. deaded.

other than that, its pretty ok.

met a hunk of a guy on the train. think clark kent, but so much cuter. and asian-er.

AND i met a mohinder suresh look alike. not bad. maybe, if i wish real hard upon a star, clark-kent look-alike may pop up again.

this is what i feel like now..

a long, seemingly endless dirt path.

PS: picture from the hiking trip with Yuen

Rest in Peace

2008-01-23T09:55:00.000+08:00

Heath Ledger? Seriously? I am so absolutely sad. I was just watching Brokeback Mountain a few days ago, crying all the way. I think I'll go watch Casanova.

RIP.

Smiles

2008-01-16T15:51:00.000+08:00

oh snap! landed a trainer job. $30 bucks an hour. :)

fun fun fun

other than that... blah blah blah

oh my

2008-01-11T20:25:00.000+08:00

i've been reading through my old posts, and i realise that i sound like a deranged psycho-maniac. now why, in the name of all that is hole-y, would any of you be friends with a person like that?!

*loud slapping sound* ignore her, she's just a little under the weather recently.

hey! i am not! i'm just fine thank you ver..

*slams hand over mouth* no she's not. kinda mental, sorry 'bout that.

help! help! crazy alter-ego taking over my body! HEEEEEELLLPPPP!

shut up! or else!

HHEEEEEEELPPPPPPP!!!!

i warned you! Crucio!
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INTERLUDE
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ok, i'm back. all fine now. next time, remind me that crucio-ing yourself is not good.

*sighs* i could have told you that

2008?

2008-01-04T15:50:00.001+08:00

well, what a wonderful year this has been. *note heavy use of sarcasm*

dont get me wrong, the year started out just fine. more than fine actually. staying at cheryl's house. watching movies. hanging out with friends. it was very nice, actually.

but the days AFTER were boring. you read that right. boring. havent started my job yet. soon i think. and life has been BORING. the ultimate boredom. boring. boringest. oh well, shouldnt be complaining too much. at least i'm not in school. *cackles evilly*

here's a video to cheer me (and you), up a little.

Friends to keep

2007-12-25T10:12:00.000+08:00

i've been doing some thinking lately... *cue gasps* i know, i know, i dont do it often, but contrary to popular belief, i DO think.

i realised that i have many friends. many different groups of friends, and though i may not be entirely buddy buddy with all of them, i wouldnt trade it for the world. ok, so some of my friends grate on my nerves to no end. some i just cant seem to really connect to. some others...... you get the picture right?

well, i wouldnt want to give anyone of them up. what inspired this little piece of revelation, you ask?

the BIG saturday outing. first, it was the Swenson's outing with the MDS seniors. havent seen these people in a long time. (read months and months) we caught up. ate. talked. it was pretty nice actually. got good university advice from the people who know. and a tiny tidbit.. according to a reliable source, the cutest guys in NUS hail from the Arts side, Diplomatic Studies or something like that. woot! woot!

then on the main event... YY's birthday bash! ok, not so much a bash, as a get together, but heck. arrived a tad late, cos i was buying the bag to put YY's presents in. (haha... now you know why.. :) ate at Thai Express. yum yum.. i officially love that place. thai green curry that kicks your taste buds! we went walking around marina square after that. it was so natural, you know? to hang with the people who are your closest pals. who know all (almost) of your dirty little secrets. its like when you meet, you fall into this groove. not an unexciting groove, but a comfortable groove.

we walked, talked. joked. joked some more. i gave YY her 'birthday present'. all the things i owed her! haha... i am so mean. and on a whim, we played pool! so fun right? prong very very pro. remind me not to play pool, mahjong or cards with her if there's money involved. *cackles* YY was good too. i bet, a few more sessions of pool, and we could be pool masters!!! ok, maybe not.

we finally gave YY her presents at starbucks. she was amazed at the alcohol. come on girl! what else would we give the girl who studies cocktails! oh, yuen, did you drink the thing in the end? played the little card game we bought for her. we parted with promises of a smashing New Year... something.

then on to ferleen's house for a Christmas party with the senior batch. its amazing how close a group of girls can get when you've seen each other in all kinds of compromising positions. (and no! not those kind of positions! get your head out of the gutter!) the horror stories were def freaky. we watched funny youtube videos until 11. amazing how time flies huh? oh, and we stuffed our faces with food. whats a gathering of mds girls without copious amounts of food right?

all in all, a fun day. an exhausting to say the least. :)

cant wait till the next gathering.

Prom Night 2007

2007-12-05T20:59:00.001+08:00

ok, i know this is a little late, but it took me awhile to go through all the memories and come to terms with them. emotional turmoil isn't exactly easy to sort through you know.

the whole thing was a whirlwind. the rushing of the make-up. (so much thanks goes out to prong, cheryl and most def YY for all the help!) the rushing down. i was so heady and so pumped. the prom itself was so weird, in a sad, happy, jubilant yet depressing kind of way. at least thats how i see it now. i loved seeing all my friends. that was the best part.

post-prom wasn't bad either. EXCEPT for the STUPID IDIOTIC CHILDISH people who wouldn't let YY into Attica. i mean seriously?? private function? hello??!! what the hell is wrong with those people. and not like a couple of days make a difference anyway. i mean, seriously? like a couple of days can make all that much of a difference to maturity or the ability to consume alcohol?!!

anyway, luckily we didn't go in, cos i heard it sucked. good. prong, yy and i walked around the place a number of times before we settled for The Pump Room, a very wise decision, if i do say so myself. the music was good. and the company got even better when cheryl and ying shean joined us. its the company that makes the party.

but post-prom was when the bad feelings started sinking in. i think it was due to the slow realization that this was it. this was the climax of 4 years of 'education'. it was good. but i just thought it would be better. the friends i had around me made the occasion special. there was nothing spectacular about the event itself. the company though.... that meant everything. viva la friends.

now what?

2007-11-22T20:47:00.000+08:00

i dont know what i'm doing

i should be happy

but of course, as usual, i'm depressing myself

going to get chocolate

and oh, its over.

what the harp?!

2007-11-18T20:25:00.001+08:00

Bio tomorrow...

lit on wednesday...

bio on thursday....

then its OVER!

if you're my friend, you will send me chocolates. if you dont, suffer the repercussions.

(PMS is never fun)

neutering is no funny business

2007-11-15T14:19:00.000+08:00

my dear dear wizzy boy went for his neutering today. poor boy knew something was up. thankfully, the vet was really nice and got it over and done with real quick. poor thing was so scared, and so groggy! the video in the margin shows him trying to shake of the fog that must have been clogging up his little brain....

poor, poor boy. he has to wear a cone shape thing on his head for a week and he's just getting used to it. he's so sad and so upset now. think i'm gonna buy him a toy to cheer him up. :)

and now he's back and safe, i'll go do some work now. i DO have chem tomorrow.....

5 day break

2007-11-07T14:02:00.001+08:00

time to shout and rejoice! not really, but what the hell. *grins*

i am in kind of a limbo mood today. in between contentment, sadness, depression and pure unadulterated joy. quite a weird limbo i have created for myself.

sometimes i think having my life put in danger would be a very good thing for me. imminent death is rumoured to be quite a good way to get your priorities straight!

someone has a new boyfriend. happy for her? definitely. worried? a tiny bit.

somebody point me in the right direction. i'm looking for a place called, "Meaning"

since i havent blogged in awhile...

2007-10-10T20:08:00.001+08:00

i'm so not in a mugging mood. there is no aura of concentration. there is just one lump of undoneness. but i must admit, some subjects are better than others.

like chem. chem is good. chem is fun. mr sito is heaven-sent. seriously, if not for him, and the fact that he is such a kind and patient teacher, i would have dropped chem by now. its more than i can say for some teachers... *ahem ahem*

math sucks. no point lying.

bio is ok. i like bio. bio is fun.

lit is my love. but i happen to be bad at some particular topics. so this is me bucking up.

chem consultation tomorrow. can you believe i'm actually looking forward to it? i can. :)